What to say to someone getting divorced
/When I announced my divorce-in-progress a few years ago, a lot of my acquaintances were totally surprised—and many had no idea what to say. I could see the disbelief, sadness, and morbid curiosity on their open-mouthed faces.
So I decided to help them out. I’d say, “J and I have separated and are planning to divorce. I’m staying in our house for now. Our son is handling it well.” And then my punch line:
“You can say… condolences and congratulations!”
Most people smiled when I said that—and I would smile, too. It lightened the moment and affirmed that I was approaching this big life transition with confidence and optimism.
Now that I work with divorcing clients, I coach them to frame their story, like I did—providing baseline details and clues to their emotional state. It’s empowering for someone going through a divorce to be proactive in their outreach to friends and family.
It’s Complicated
But not all divorce announcements will be so scripted. You may be on the receiving end of “(sigh) I’m getting divorced,” and not know whether condolences or congratulations—or both—are in order.
Divorce is complicated, but that doesn't mean every divorce story is the same. Not all divorces are sad or unwanted. Sometimes, two people grow in different directions—and the healthiest decision is to part ways.
If a friend shares that she’s going through a divorce, here's how you can show up with kindness, without making assumptions or making things more awkward.
Don’t Assume It’s a Tragedy
It’s easy to respond with something like “Oh no, I’m so sorry.” But take a beat. That might not be how your friend feels. She might be sad or she might be relieved, even excited about starting a new chapter.
The safest bet? Don’t jump into sympathy mode unless she leads you there. And definitely don’t assume this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her.
Instead, try:
“Wow, that’s big news. How are you feeling about it?”
Show Up Without Needing All the Details
Divorce is personal. And while it’s natural to be curious, this isn’t the time to play detective. Let your friend share on her own terms.
One exception: it’s okay to gently ask if she’s still living in the same place, especially if you plan to send a card or drop off flowers or homemade soup.
Other than that—listen more than you talk.
And try this simple, supportive phrase:
“How can I help?”
And mean it.
Thoughtful Things You Can Do
If you can offer help, make it easy for her to say yes. Here are some small, meaningful ways to show up:
Be on call for a walk-and-talk or a venting session.
Offer to help with rides for her kids from school or sports.
Volunteer to pet-sit so she can get a weekend away.
Text before a Costco run to see if she needs anything.
Send a short, supportive card in the mail—yes, actual mail!
Follow up with a call a week later. That kind of follow-through is rare and deeply appreciated.
What Not to Say
Even with the best intentions, some things are better left unsaid. Here are a few phrases to avoid:
“I never liked him anyway.”
“You’ll find someone else soon.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You know who else got divorced…?” (Don’t compare.)
Also, steer clear of any thought that starts with “You should be feeling…”
What To Say
Here are a few one-liners that hit the right note:
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m here for you.”
“You are not alone—and you don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Condolences and congratulations!” (Keep this one in your back pocket for the right moment.)
Support Is Available
You don’t have to be your friend’s therapist. If you find yourself feeling depleted after interacting with her, suggest she meet with a mental health professional. (It’s best practice these days to have a therapist on your divorce team.)
And if your friend seems like she could use more structured support, let her know that divorce coaches exist—and that I offer complimentary consultations for anyone divorcing in Washington State.
You don’t need to fix anything. You just need to respond with heart.
